Give Yourself the Gift of Peace: Foster Self-compassion

Christmas lights twinkled, and the scent of pine branches filled my office when I was trying to catch up on work. I had a young family and a demanding job that included time with people who were suffering. I spent the beginning of the week sitting with Dori, who was nearing the end of life and visiting people in care centers. I finally had a chance to tackle other tasks, but the phone clamored for my attention.  

“Hello,” I answered. My greeting was met with gasping sobs.

“I need help. I want to die. Can you please be with me?” said a familiar voice.

Within minutes I was sitting on a tattered sofa near Alice, who struggled with loss especially during holidays. “I feel hopeless,” she said. “Hang in there,” I said and held her hand until a family member arrived. My mood returning to the office was anything but festive.

I felt as though the week’s events hijacked my joy. I desired to help others, but also yearned to experience delights with my family. After being with Alice, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Or shake my fist and yell “Why?” I criticized myself for responding in such a way, but that didn’t help.

I changed perspective and offered myself compassion instead of judgment. I was able to let go of the week’s heaviness after noticing my own suffering and responding with kindness. I shed a few tears and gave myself a hug. That evening, I was able to laugh at dinner with my family and delight in their stories. We can help others during difficult times and still experience peace and joy.

Self-compassion lightens the heaviness of a difficult, broken world. We may think it will lead to getting stuck in self-pity or decrease motivation, but self-kindness helps us recover hope and inspiration. Here are some tips on fostering self-compassion.

1.    Recognize that you are human. Each one of us has limitations, makes mistakes, and experiences a wide variety of emotions. You deserve care and most likely respond positively to kindness. I know this isn’t always easy. I have to intentionally shake off perfectionism to embrace myself. Whatever challenges you face, know you are not alone and need compassion just like everyone else. We imperfect, limited humans share a world that needs compassion.

 2.    Notice your own suffering. Rather than jump to judgment or fear when feeling bad, see your experience as a sign of distress.  Mindfully note how you are feeling without judgment or a need to fix anything. Name the emotion and tell yourself you can process harder experiences when it is safe to do so. Acknowledging different emotions helps us become more comfortable with them and aware how quickly they can change.

 3.    Offer yourself kindness. Begin with how you talk to yourself when things are tough. “I am sad and this is a normal response” or “I am loved” are much more helpful than “I am such a wimp!” Develop simple, kind statements you can use when going into a negative narrative. Give yourself a hug. Become one of your best cheerleaders to promote inner calm and hope.

 4.    Offer yourself forgiveness. Let go of guilt, especially that which isn’t yours to carry. While sitting with Alice, I felt guilty that I could not do more to alleviate her suffering, but that was not within my ability. I had to show myself mercy to move forward from the heaviness of our encounter.

 Start by using a gesture to symbolize letting go of guilt and suffering, such as throwing a rock into a lake.  Look at yourself in a mirror and say, “I forgive you.” Acts of forgiveness often need to be repeated for healing to occur.

 Compassion we give to ourselves is not selfish, because it positively shapes how we interact with others. Self-compassion is a great life balancer that promotes inner peace and hope. Any time of the year is the perfect time to offer yourself the gift of self-compassion. A gift that changes lives.