Calmly Deal with Conflict: Create possibilities amid disagreements

The moving truck buzzed while we flew by cars waiting to exit the 8-lane freeway. “Hey, you were supposed to turn there! You don’t listen to me!” I hollered at my husband, Steve. For two days I had navigated and several times he decided to go a different way adding hours to our drive. He looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, “I don’t want to go that way.” My heart beat faster and hands started sweating. I wanted to yell “You are so frustrating!” The encounter took me by surprise and rattled my day.    

 Can you recall a time when conflict interrupted daily life? Conflict seems to find a way to shake up even the most functional families, teams, organizations, and societies. It can tear apart even highly skilled and altruistic groups. Disagreement may occur whenever there are two or more people with different perceptions, desires, and needs. Even though we frequently encounter conflict, we rarely become comfortable dealing with it. 

 Conflict itself is not the problem. How we deal with conflict can make it problematic. We can help groups function at higher levels with some simple strategies to defuse non-violent disagreements. People who handle dissension calmly create a culture promoting dialogue and resilience. Be a leader when it comes to conflict with the following strategies.

 1.    See conflict differently. Conflict is a natural part of life, can help us learn greater truths, and lead to transformative change. When we can see daily disagreements with this lens, rather than as a threat to our identity, we are more able to respond calmly and work towards positive resolution.  

Conflict is often personal because of people’s inability to deal with differences in healthy ways. Steve’s body language made it difficult to see beyond a personal attack, but eventually I was able to get a different perspective. Look beyond the emotional response to promote possibilities.            

2.    Defuse your emotional buttons. Notice how your body responds to conflict and what triggers heightened responses. Do you sense a change in heartbeat or sensations? Develop a simple breathing strategy paired with a calming word to increase self-regulation. After Steve’s response, I took a deep breath and calmed down. It was hard, but the effort helped me respond in a way I felt good about. Defusing emotional buttons takes away people’s power to provoke.

3.    Replace your unhelpful conflict habits. Increase awareness of typical conflict behaviors. We all have automatic responses to disagreement and most often they are unhelpful. Blame is an example of a behavior that increases dissension and gets in the way of healthy resolution. Develop strategies to replace unhelpful behavior patterns. We cannot control how other people respond, but we can influence by regulating our own reactions.

4.    Use time proactively. Don’t avoid dealing with conflict, but allow a space of time to respond thoughtfully. This means taking a few seconds, minutes, or hours to address a problem when you can. I wanted to shout more at Steve, but thankfully refrained from doing so. We were tired and that moment was not the time to discuss problems. We decided to talk during our planned dinner break an hour later.  

Set a time and place that promote success. Use the time wisely to process, get trusted feedback, and calm down. Recall important virtues and values to promote responding in ways you feel good about.

5.    Find the common ground. Start with what you share and return to that common ground as often as possible. Steve and I talked about reaching our destination and communicating better. This decreased tension while increasing openness to other ideas. Common purpose is a powerful source of inspiration. Use that motivator to turn disagreements into new possibilities.

Conflict will always have a presence in our world. Even small disagreements can intensify and rattle daily life. However, conflict can also be a powerful source of healthy change. See possibility, promote calm, and accomplish more. Be a peacemaker.

This article contains excerpts from Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others published by Whole Person Associates.